Ruth Norman Mason

“I feel calm, focused, balanced – not rushing, a buzz of energy – it could be nerves, or it could be something else. Feel able to sit in the moment and be open, waiting for what comes” (response to 1 minute writing prompt… I feel…)

I’ve been noticing for a little while a push to increase people’s language on emotions. Books for children, tools for therapy, posters for schools and workplaces and of course the 2015 film – Inside Out. It feels really important to move society to a space where there is more language for emotions, where there is more understanding of the range and spectrum of emotions.

I also think that emotions are more complex than we are being led to believe. Many people find them elusive and they can be quite hard to get a handle on. This means that some people can operate without a sense of the shifting weather patterns that shape behaviour, thinking and feelings towards self and others.

I often see emotions offered up as simple, primary colours – Red for anger, green for envy, blue for sadness and yellow for happiness. This approach can leave little room for shades, changes, depth and shadow. The expectation for feelings to take bold, bright colours can lead people to wait for the thunder rather than notice a mist or gentle breeze.

I do use some of the tools I mentioned earlier, I have a pack of cards that I can use with clients to build language of feelings, in order that we can talk about them. The cards can help translate sensations in the body into words or images. They are often an introduction understanding feelings, they can highlight quickly how people feel about feelings and the social messages we might have on feelings. I handed some to a young man once and found myself saying “sorry these are a bit girly”. It made me really think about the gendered nature of discussing feelings and how challenging it can be for different identities.

When I’m working with autistic young people I might take some time to talk through the times they’ve noticed a particular emotion in themselves, what makes them think someone else is feeling it, their expectations of emotions and any judgement that they have about it. Often emotions can get caught up in “Black and White” thinking – this emotion is good, that one is bad – exploring those messages and how they get formed is an interesting avenue of exploration.

I think it can be useful to create a curiosity and interest in emotions; it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. It can be harder to tune into yourself if your experience of being “tuned into” has been interrupted or not comfortable in the past. I’m starting to think of almost all emotions as being relational in some form – generated between two people and more socially. I’m becoming really interested in how family, friends, workplaces, communities and networks have ways of ‘feeling’ and expressing big feelings. I think time to reflect on how emotions are performed by those around us and how they get shared is a vital piece of emotional literacy.

Sometimes I can find myself thinking that building emotional awareness is a single piece of work or a one off event, in reality I think it’s a life long experiment. It seems to me that it shifts across different life stages, and in relation to the people around you. I have seen, and felt, how capacity to read your emotional weather can be expanded by therapy. Once you have a handle on what emotions are you have more insight into the thoughts and behaviour and make more choices on how to respond.