Ruth Norman Mason

The Supreme court ruling that biological sex assigned at birth can not be changed with a gender recognition certificate is, what the BBC called this morning, “a landmark decision”. Here I synthesises some of the conversations I’ve had across the last twelve hours to share what has been useful, I’ve not included my missteps, but I think that when we, or those we love, are feeling disempowered and harassed it can be hard to stay with ‘good enough’ and remember there are no perfect ways to have these difficult conversations.

Creating space to talk about it, asking if the people in your life have seen the news, and checking in with them, is a fundamental act of solidarity. If people aren’t ready to talk about it at this point, then respecting that choice is important. Just let them know that you are around when they are ready. Noticing and offering connection is incredibly valuable.

Reality Checking

Making space to reality check what people have seen on social media and in the news is really important, young people I’m connected with are in lots of trans discord spaces and online support groups – fact checking what has been absorbed in line with considered trans positive sources can be useful – Gendered Intelligence Statement . Really understanding the context and the limitations of ruling will be useful and might help contain feelings of panic.  

Making space for distressing feelings

It can be really hard for people to answer the question ‘how are you feeling?’, some young people prefer a question about mood or thoughts. It might be appropriate to think about colours or sensations – some might feel buzzy in their head, tight in their stomach, sore in their heart. Giving words to those sensations can help make them make sense – check out whether you’re naming them right – it sounds like sadness, Is that sort of like fear? These tentative ways of naming might feel a bit clunky, but they can provide real relief.  I’ve recently noticed that often conversations about feelings stop with the first feeling that is identified, in reality feelings are often a complex mix – we can talk about a feeling soup to ask what else is floating around, what the background feeling is, and what are the distinct lumps in the soup. I find it useful to think about the iceberg – and asking what’s above the water and what’s underneath or harder to see. Sometimes I ask explicitly, “so that’s the first layer, what’s also at work here?”

Hierarchy of oppression

One of the things that I noticed in some of the conversations I’ve been having over the past day is that there can emerge a “I guess it’s not that bad for me, I’ve got no right to complain”.  I think that this can add to feelings of disempowerment. If you hear this, it might be worth exploring and trying to reframe a little. We often talk about there being no ‘hierarchy of oppression’ and the reason that we do that is because we don’t want to compare and compete with other marginalised groups, that attacks community and connectedness. Instead it can be useful to recognise the state protections and rights that your young person does still have, and empathise with how this might impact on those with less social and political power. But even though it will land differently with different groups and individuals it doesn’t change the impact for the person in front of you, which is still valid and needs care.

It’s important to remember that there is community and safe connection for trans and non-binary young people and their families I’d recommend checking out:

Mermaids https://mermaidsuk.org.uk/

Gendered Intelligence https://genderedintelligence.co.uk/